In The Mirror, Darkly

LAPLAND- the Elfson inquiry into Present Standards was completed today, and despite all his previous assertions to the contrary, Santa Claus’s means of finding out what children wanted for Christmas have been “nothing short of unethical”.

The inquiry was brought about after it was alleged that Claus had been using his elves to hack into peoples’ Amazon wish lists to get an edge on “Real Life” gift givers such as aunts and parents. The problem has been thought to have been exacerbated by the fact the gifts themselves weren’t even all that good.

Claus has not commented directly, but a spokself has said that they would take it under advisement and would fully co-operate with any new Present Complaints Commission that is formed, while muttering something under his breath about why the public is complaining about getting what they ask for.

In a further embarrassment, Mr Claus has moved to deny that he is to sell the letters children send to him each year to advertisers. It has been reported on Twitter and other social media that he had sold the rights to the letters to an evil advertising conglomeration for an eight-figure sum. Little Sarah, 6, is said to be most concerned that someone else might know she likes a pony.

All this has been against widespread reports of bullying within his reindeer enclosure, with the irony that he doesn’t seem to know which of his reindeer is naughty or nice has been noted. The threat of fog on Christmas Eve has not helped matters, with many of the reindeer tense from the worry of having to fly in such inclement weather.

Claus has said that anyone concerned about having their wish list hacked or their letters sold could resolve all their problems by sending him a legal-ish looking letter with a few big words in it stating in writing that their wish list is copyright, and he would respect their decision, irrespective of out-of-date copyright laws, poor wording, and non-existent conventions.

–Jon Snow

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