Naughty and Nice (spoof news)

By our Festive Correspondent, Mary Christmas 

The North Pole was rocked today amid news that 51% of children are planning on being naughty this Christmas. The news has come to a shock for those who thought that a “Nice Christmas” was all but certain.

The North Pole Naughtiness Party insists that a Naughty Christmas will be a boost for the economy, with revenues from fossil fuels, namely the lumps of coal given to naughty children, to be used to fund the National Elf Service.

The leader of the campaign for a nice Christmas, Brandy Butter Together, Mr G. Rinch, has stated his worry that there will be less “nice shiny toys” around and that there was no way he could “Ruin Christmas” if this happens, though a spokesman later came out and clarified he meant to say “Run a nice Christmas”, before adding, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go retweet some snide comment from an obscure comedian that misrepresents the issue but agrees with my point of view.”

In response, the major toy manufacturers have agreed to give children more control on what kind of toys they get if they are nice, though the Naughtiness Party has already stated that deciding between Red Furbies and Blue Furbies isn’t going to really make a difference.

Santa Claus, of course, is above politics, and is merely the distributor of the gifts. He has had a difficult year being find by the regulators, who claimed “checking it twice” was not an authorised control, and hearing allegations of discrimination in his reindeer enclosure, but he is optimistic about this Christmas, according to a source who saw him load up 250 000 Elsa from Frozen dolls on his sleigh. “So long as when they leave out mince pies, it’s none of that gluten free rubbish. Gets right in my beard.”

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